What do we push against? I don’t know about you, but I clamp down and reject my undesirable parts.
Many years ago, (pre-enneagram), I believed I was smooth, not angry. Irritated, maybe, but not mad.
I would gently coach 13 wild Cub Scouts all afternoon. Loveable high-energy kids. By the time they ran out to go home, my tight jaws had to unhinge so I could pour a beer down my throat as I swept up the mess. Muttering to myself.
Madder than a hatter. Crazy.
Oh, the anger I was holding in. The anger I was pretending not to have. It would explode like a volcano at times, in private, but never in public. I think. (Ask the Cub Scouts?)
Not that anger should explode at anybody. My point is, I was hiding from myself. I hardly knew my own emotions.
Anger being the strongest emotion, when we repress it, we repress every emotion. We can get stiff and wooden, us perfectionists.
I’m not mad, crazy, fearful, upset, sad, doubtful, anxious, irritated, hurt, weak, needy, ordinary, boring, am I?
Of course I am. It bubbles up. Breathe through it.
So. What sticks in your craw? Is it the worst thing to be angry? needy? a failure? shamed? worthless? ordinary? useless? deviant? fearful? in pain? boring? weak? in conflict?
Which one do you disown?
We all avoid our particular thing. Reject it. Pretend we don’t have it.
But Hello, it’s part of us.
We imprison ourselves when we “push against” anything.
Self sabotage. This part of me is OK. These parts are not OK. Don’t let anybody find out. Oh, the energy it takes to hide from people. The energy it takes to hide from ourselves! And then these ‘bad’ parts squirt out anyhow, because we refuse to acknowledge their existence.
It’s an ego thing. We won’t admit our dark side.
But, hey, cave in. Admit it. Go ahead. Life gets easier.
This crappy stuff about me is okay. It has to be. I’m human.
Own it. It’s the way of the future. Not pushing against the unwanted but letting it be. It’s all here together in the microcosm of you.
It’s out there in the macrocosm of the world, too, where we learn to accept everything-that-is. By allowing and accepting, resistance releases, life flows, war ends.
Inside and out.